I normally am not the type to be a worrier. I am usually pretty good at looking at a situation calmly and not over-reacting. I'm not saying I don't get stressed because I most certainly do, but typically there's a pretty good reason for it. I can usually look at the different angles of a situation and put my hopes on the best case scenario. Now that I'm a mom though, those rules are somewhat different, much like everything else about being a mom.
When it comes to worrying now, when it comes to my little guy, my worries are much more easily triggered. Granted, sometimes my fears are very irrational as I worry about just about anything baby - his size, weight gain, social, emotional, and behavioral development, eating habits, his health or sometimes I even get a little milestone envy. I guess the combination of never having done this parenting thing before and the importance of getting it right when it comes to real issues fuel the sometimes "cart before the horse" thinking that I work myself into.
I once heard that worrying is about as pointless as sitting in a rocking chair. All that movement and you don't get anywhere. Knowing this fact doesn't make it any less tempting to sit down for a rock though.
Where is the balance? When should you brush off a concern and when should you take action? Put more simply - when do you relax and when do you react? For example, I don't want to be in denial of a real issue and only bring my child to the hospital when he's desperate for medical attention. On the other hand I do not want to be that mom that runs every time my baby has a tickle in his throat or a runny nose. I know the advice out there gives symptoms and signs to watch for when dealing with a potential concern, and encourages you to use your intuition, but sometimes my intuition is over-powered by my mother fears. I am sometimes unable to differentiate fully between the two - either that or my fear takes the driver's seat. I suppose I will struggle with this balance so long as I am a parent - in other words the rest of my life!
Momma's Musts
- Try to balance. I struggle with it with every issue with my child. Sometimes I let my intuition keep me clam, other times my fear wins out. Keep trying to find your balance when faced with an issue - it's not going to be an easy one!
- Forgive yourself. If you make a bad judgement call on one extreme or the other - for example if you bring your child to the hospital with a simple stomach bug or if you stay home too long with a high fever - remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and you are unable to know exactly what to do in every situation all the time.
- Err on the side of caution - within reason. If you have a nagging concern or something just doesn't feel right, you'll feel worse if you ignore it and it becomes a more serious problem later. If nothing else, you gain peace of mind by having something that is persistently bothering you put to rest.
- Don't look for things to worry about. Watch how much time you spend on "Dr. Google" or listening to worst case dramatic scenarios. True, the internet can be an invaluable resource, but sometimes those sources are not as legit as you would have hoped. They may be biased or based on limited or incorrect information. Trust only the professionals when it comes to real issues and avoid giving yourself unnecessary things to worry about.
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Since I got pregnant, I have heard over and over - "Every pregnancy is different," and since the baby was born "Every baby is different." The purpose of these statements I have decided is to help you feel better when things are not going as swift for you as they "should" be according to the "normal" development guidelines. It doesn't stop the envy though.
Every milestone your child reaches is exciting. First roll over, first attempt to speak, first smile - even the first time they really look at you. These are all very exciting moments for parents. I know I can only speak for myself but in those moments not only do I feel elation and excitement ( and the need to instantly contact all my loved ones and go on and on about how great it is) but I also feel relief. It's a feeling of "Good, he finally did that!" or "He CAN actually do that," or "He's right on schedule, developing normally." I can't help feeling it. I try the adage that he's unique and will reach the milestones when he's ready but when he seems a little behind I am on alert. I think it's only human nature to feel this way.
Myself and my other mommy friends are constantly sharing each other's excitement for when our babies sit up or crawl or even when they finally like the food they are eating. We also share our pain when one of the babies is sick or struggling to cut a tooth. I can honestly say that I feel genuine excitement for another child achieiving a milestone, more so now than ever - I guess that is simply because I can directly relate to the situation. However, if my child is older than another child that is already rolling over and mine hasn't yet I'm a bit nervous. Another scenario is if a child a month older than my son and is now sitting up, I tell myself that okay - he now has a month to master this skill. Again, I can't help it! I know I shouldn't be comparing my child to others but its tough!
We all want our children to be healthy and develop as they "should" and no matter what we are told to think, we can't help worrying it if our little one is a little bit behind schedule compared to his/her baby friends. I even find myself trying to make a friend feel better if my son does something on an earlier time line such as say "mama" with things like "I'm sure she'll learn that soon," or "He just suddenly started to do it, you'll be surprised how fast it happens" or even "She has a tooth already! He doesn't have any!" as if having the tooth will compensate for lack of speaking.
The key point with all of this is - it's almost impossible not to compare your baby to others. Ultimately I am not really worried at all about his development.d I only will be if he goes an extended period behind the "norm" for reaching a particular milestone and I feel the need to consult with my doctor. I just have these little twinges of....well...not worry or concern really - but I feel something, not sure what to call it. I guess I just don't want him to be different in a way that is behind where he should be.
Momma's Musts
- Relax. Ah yes, I'm going to say it. Every baby is different, so try to remember this when you feel a twinge of something.
- Celebrate others! Be truly happy for another child's progress and keep your uncertainties about your own child to yourself, at least initially, unless they become something to really be concerned about. Don't rain on anyones parade! Think of how happy you are when you child does something, it isn't nice to hear a worry from another parent stealing your thunder - at least not right away.
- Be supportive and don't gloat. Help each other out when your children are struggling. Take time to listen and offer suggestions. We're all in the same boat! It isn't nice to constantly relay that your child is doing something that another parent's child cannot do yet.
- Try to balance. This one is tough - trying not to under-react (?) or overreact when a child hasn't reached a milestone. Selecting that exact moment when you really should be concerned about something is the balancing act that we try to do all the time. Like I have said before - trust your instincts, you will figure it out!
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Eureka! I see a tooth! No wait - I see two teeth!
After almost three months of gritting my teeth and watching my son drool, bite, suck, chew cold teethers, and cry out in pain, finally I see something white. I actually felt it before I saw it, the sharp jagged edge that is unmistakably his first tooth. Two days later after being up EVERY hour (no exaggeration) the night before, another tooth broke the surface. He was crying out in his sleep in agony. I tried everything, rocking him to get into a deep sleep, benedryl on his gums, feeding, changing, walking, rubbing his belly, singing, shhushing, cold nummys, tylenol...ahhhhhhhh...in spite of all of this I was up most of the night anyway. It was by far the worst night I have punched since becoming a mom, even in the beginning with 3 feeds a night. At least he went back to sleep for longer than 20 minutes at a time then .
The next day out of desperation I went searching for something else to soothe his gums, what I was trying simply wasn't cutting it. Also, I NEEDED some sleep. I know it sounds selfish to think about me but the truth was that if I didn't get enough sleep I didn't give him the best care I could the next day. My lethargy made play time shorter and more laborious, and my patience was definitely thinner. It's a good thing he's so cute!
I discovered that adult benedryl was recommended, I only had ever used children's, but it apparently wasn't strong enough. I set off ready to try the stronger medicine the next night. I did have a slightly easier night, he only woke 4 times instead of every 20 minutes. Now the teeth are coming up nicely and he did manage to sleep much better. If only daylight savings hadn't happened in the middle of all of it. I guess that's all part of the tests we face as parents.
That all being said I am so excited to look into his little mouth and see the two tooth buds on his bottom gums. He is worth every time I throw my feet on the floor out from under my warm cozy sheets. It breaks my heart to know how much pain this is causing him, how I wish children could be born with their teeth!
Momma's Musts
- Do what you have to - try every strategy that you can think of in times of struggle. You never know what might help, even if it didn't before. If nothing else it helps keep you feel like you are helping!
- Love yourself too. It's okay to feel frustrated or discouraged, or even a little selfish when your little one is having a rough time. It's hard on you too, and you're allowed to feel their pain!
- Love the milestones anyway, no matter the struggle that it takes to reach them. It's because they are so tough to reach that makes them seem like such a big deal!
